…Things had never changed.
You were almost gone. I almost lost you. I almost watched you leave for the last time. I almost looked into your eyes for the last time. I almost felt your touch for the last time. I almost had to remember our last kiss as the very last. I almost had to relearn what it’s like to live without you in my life again. I almost wanted you to leave. I almost wanted to never see you again. I almost promised myself to be alone for the rest of my life. I almost lost you. You almost were okay with that.
In previous occurances, I yearned for a sorrow. A reason to search my heart for dialogue to convey emotions that I had created. I created my subject only to tamper and twist it to make it sound beautiful. However, today, I wanted nothing more than to have a reason to arrange words of joy. Words in present in future tense of a love. A love worth keeping. A love worth experiencing everyday of my life. The love I know. As the words kept spilling from your mouth, I could only hope they weren’t true. They were a figment of my imagination. Another circumstance I had created to have pity on myself; but they weren’t. They were real and they really hurt. The words I had never expected to hear, i heard. They were like a dagger cutting straight through flesh and into my heart, forever scarred. A fresh womb from the one person who had thus far only brought me joy. I couldn’t accept it. Memories and future plans were all I could invision and yet, in my presence, they were all irrelevant. The hurt I felt in that time is unlike any I’ve previously known. You were gone. You could no longer hold me in times where tears seemed endless. That wasn’t your place anymore. You were no longer mine. The words are hard to even muster now.
However, through the strength we have built up over this last year and three months, we overcame the hardest obsticle in our relationship thus far. Doubt almost became the victory, but Love shone through strong. I am choosing to repress this. I am choosing to not ponder it after today. I simply can’t. I yearn for your love and your comfort and I must not live in this memory. I won’t. I will continue to pray for strength. The strength to overcome this fear that has now blossomed. I will continue pray for the faith that God is present and active. I will continue down the path I have always dreamed of. With you.
