Ashley'Nicole

I can’t lean on you..

 Seemingly never ending tears without consolation. Rules were too stiff for exceptions with you. Simply, all I asked was to be a priority, an exception. The unachievable with you. Rather, I’m forced to find comfort in the relation to heartbreaking songs. Hurt festering to the point of illness. Forced to push you away when ALL I want is to know I can stay. This time, I’m not sure how far I’m going to have to walk away. Slowly, the distance grows deeper and deeper. When do you drown?  

Also, I miss my laptop.

 and resent myself for breaking it.

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The urge to be sweet, to show you I love you was there…
You were too tired.

Sorrow was overwhelming me, I really wanted you to cheer me up.
You’d be out too late.

My problem is evident.
 No need for further explination.

However, the worst part of ALL of it…
 Expressing my emotions only conflicts more sorrow and negitive emotion rather than fixing my original solution.

On a good note, Dyed my hair .
 First difference in 2 years (:

this is write with no disclosure, no apology, just pure emotion. from myself. for myself. by myself.

 There was a different look in his eyes. Something unfamiliar, something uneasy that day. Things seemed so perfect before. For once, I felt comfort with you. With your family, with the direction we were headed. The familarity of your body against mine was always soothing but not that day. That day something was uncomfortable, thick, harsh almost. That day I was forced to convince myself your embrace could no longer be my safe place. I could no longer find comfort in you. The very source of my pain was the only place I wanted to run. The thought of your absence caused me great discomfort but in that moment, I had to imagine that as my reality. It’s slightly ironic how the damage of this day will forever haunt me. Forever will i remember that afflication. It consumed me in that moment.  Unfortunately, damage that has been done in a momnt of distress could take infinite time to erase. Often, it can be masked, even temporarily eliminated but nights like tonight take me back. Nights like tonight, I remember it vividly. Fear consumes me with unintentional affirmations of my preconcieved notions. Never do I intend to afflict this upon myself. It’s nothing of your doing and never do I put you at fault. However, despite the rhyme or reason, the distinct memory of that afternoon will forever be etched deeper than I can erase absolutely but tonight I work little by little to improve a project I never imagined to take on.